By Elissa Caterfino Mandel

I do prophylactic shopping. It’s an activity that sounds as if it should be conducted with a test tube and gloves —  but isn’t. The bottom line is I buy in advance in the event of an emergency. First let me clarify that there never seems to be an unforeseen event that keeps me from shopping. So this emergency story is a lie I tell myself, so I don’t feel bad.  This way,  I can continue to think of myself as an efficient, productive person instead of what I am, a shopping zealot.

I pride myself on knowing that at any given moment I have the absolute right thing in my closet. A last minute soirée in Paris? I’m yours. A day at Bonaroo? It’ll never happen, but if it did, I’d be ready. This level of fastidiousness does not, unfortunately, apply to my pantry where, because I  rush to be done in the supermarket, I  have six  jars of tomato sauce and no applesauce.

But just humor me for a minute. My obsession for getting things done insanely early led to my recent purchase of Exhibit A, heretofore known as the ballerina dress. I found the ballerina dress in my last 20 minutes at the mall last Monday. The wedding, which was “its intended,”is scheduled for Memorial Day weekend, and for me this counts as last-minute shopping. Keep in mind it’s just now the third week in March. And — oh, goody —  I just learned that the dress code is the dreaded “black tie optional”. Optional? Optional for whom? I don’t want to be the sole sucker in a sundress.

But more to the point, the ballerina dress is a misfire for another important reason. This is an Orthodox wedding, which I did know. What I didn’t realize is that at Orthodox weddings, no one goes sleeveless even at receptions. This is the kind of knowledge that adults ought to automatically have at their disposal: that and things like the exact number of minutes needed to soft boil an egg, which, incidentally, also eludes me.

Sleeves, or the lack thereof, define this dress. Wearing a cover up would be criminal (well maybe not as criminal as wearing a sexy, short dress to your niece’s Orthodox wedding, but I digress.)

I could have returned the ballerina dress if I hadn’t been so efficient. You see in the 20 minutes I had, I also got the damned thing altered around the shoulders. It’s now mine. Forever. I like to kid myself that I will have a number of other occasions for which this dress would be perfect. And there is this outdoor garden wedding that we’re invited to June 8. But wouldn’t you know it? I already bought something else.

The dress pictured above is not the ballerina dress. But you get the idea.